I’ve spent a lot of time recently pondering the importance of taking care of yourself first. It’s the airplane oxygen mask idea: please make sure that your mask is secure and functioning before helping those around you. This goes against many people’s instincts to put other’s needs before their own. On the surface, this seems like a universally good quality. We grow up with phrases like “sharing is caring” and “a friend in need is a friend indeed.” Living by these types of mantras is indeed a good way to go through life. As is usually the case, all good things must be practiced in moderation. Having too much of a good thing, in this case selflessness, can backfire and end up hurting those around you.

The “jarring” life event that caused me to start pondering this topic was the ending of a relationship I was in. The relationship itself was only a short one, but ended abruptly with the message: “I can’t seem to figure out what it is you want, and that drives me crazy. You always treated me great, but I can’t do this anymore.” After digging in a little bit as to her reasons behind that statement, she had mentioned that she spoke with someone who knew another ex of mine who had echoed that statement, and left for the same reason. I was upset at first because I had thought that I had been focusing all of my attention on the relationship and that should be worth something.

As it turns out, it is that exact thought process that so often times cripples relationships; whether it is a marriage, dating, friendship, or co-worker doesn’t matter. On the surface, this seems like a noble and selfless thing to do. No one wants to be looked at as selfish, and so adopting a philosophy of always putting everyone else first, no matter what, seems like a good idea. There are many ways that this can turn out badly for those involved. If someone is always in give-give-give mode and feels that they are not being appreciated, this will obviously cause resentment. No matter how good someone thinks they are at covering it up, that resentment will always eventually show (The problems that come from giving with expectations attached is a whole different conversation). When resentment inevitably rears its ugly head, a cloud of negativity will start to surround you that will start to reflect on anyone unfortunate enough to be caught near it.